I think I just snapped.
The kind where my mind’s just blank, and at the same time I just want to destroy something.
The kind where the tears just keep pouring down my face and the sobs force their way past my lips.
The kind where my head is pounding, my eyes are throbbing, and my throat is aching in the aftermath.
I think I just snapped.
omg
stop
fucking
touching me
omg
please
why won’t you realize i hate you
god
get away from me
geez
Like a horrible person.
Okay. So I have this friend. He’s nice enough. He has a sense of humor, he’s a gentleman, etcetera etcetera. But… I dunno. I’m always in a bad mood whenever I’m with him. He always annoys me. ALWAYS. And I just feel really bad ‘cause I’m one of the few friends he has here. And here nI am being all bitchy.
But I can’t help it. He’s my friend, but I really don’t like him. He’s insensitive, socially awkward, too sarcastic (even for me, and I’m a very sarcasm-friendly person), and a lot more things. Something about him just rubs me the wrong way.
Guh.
I’m out.
Ilang beses ko na sinabi sa sarili ko eh. Tangina, tama na. You’ve given too much of yourself to other people before, and look at what happened to you then. Don’t do this anymore. Please. Tama na.
Takte, parang masisiraan ako ng bait sa ganito eh. Every freaking time. Really. (But at the same time, I really can’t close my heart off to others. I just can’t. I’m not that type of person…)
Maybe I should just drift away from you, ne? Even though- no, precisely because you’ve become such an important person to me. Maybe if our personalities didn’t clash (and I don’t even mean that in the hot-headed-to-cool-headed kind of way), I wouldn’t have to feel this way. I guess I just give too much trust, and you give too little… No, I don’t think it’s because you give too little. The problem here is our own insecurities, I guess.
Tae. Ayoko na. I’m out.
So apparently wanting to be dressed while cleaning the fucking toilet is now considered selfish.
What the fuck, woman? Have you finally gone senile? Selfish? Really? Putang ina. So what, now I can’t fucking dress up before doing what it is you want me to fucking do? Eh kung nilinis ko yun habang naka tuwaliya lang ako? Sisitahin mo ako, diba? “Eh bakit kasi hindi ka muna nagbihis?! Nagpapalinis na nga lang ako, hindi mo pa magawang mmagbihis bago mo gawin! Leche! Napakatamad mo talaga!”
I can never fucking win, can I? And then you try to fucking use a guilt trip tactic against me? Really? Fuck you. I’ll actually feel guilty when there’s something to feel guilty about. Dressing up before cleaning the fucking toilet? Not worth my guilt, you bitch.
And then she says that I always ask for what I fucking want, then don’t give her what she wants. And in my head I’m just like, “Excuse you? Since when have you given me what I actually want? Since when? Do you have any idea how much I ask for some things I actually, really, truly want that you’ve just rejected? And I don’t even mean material things, you fucker! Selfish, my ass! You are the selfish one here, you little bitch! You are, with all your fucking tirades about things that don’t make sense. You and your demands that are even more fucking ‘selfish’ and ‘lazy’ than the things I do and say.”
Fuck you. Just… fuck you.
I always did find it so funny how so little words can hide so many feelings. I mean, you see it everywhere on Tumblr. The whole “I say I’m fine when I’m actually not” thing, that is. You see it and you think to yourself, “Hey, yeah, that’s true. That’s totally how I feel all the time.”
You get your heart trampled on, and when someone asks you, you only say, “I’m okay. No, really, I’m fine. There’s no need to be worried.” And deep inside you’re just breaking down, wanting to be comforted, but you have no idea how to fucking say it, so all that’s left for you is to deny it all, and hope that someone will realize you’re not actually okay. That you’re really just screaming for help.
When you just get so frustrated that you want to cry, to punch something, to kill someone, to tear your hair out- but you don’t, and all that’s left for you to do is suck it up and force your tears back. And the same people who frustrated you asks if you’re mad at them, and you just say, “Oh, no, I’m not. Don’t worry about it,” and you spout some excuse, like, “I’m just sleepy,” or “I’m just thinking of something.” And in your head, you’re cursing that person. “What the hell, man?! Are you fucking stupid? Who the hell wouldn’t get angry at that? As if you wouldn’t have gotten fucking angry if it were the other way around!”
It can get tiring, having to hide your feelings like that. There you are, bottling everything up ‘cause you know you’ll just be a bother. Or maybe ‘cause you know people will start bothering you. And you just… You’re just tired. So, so tired…
